My Vocation Story, Part 2 (Teaching and Discernment)

Picking up where I left off…

I returned to Auburn and completed my PhD in May 2012.  I was now in my second year of trying to find full time employment, and nothing was happening.  Over three years, I applied to over 200 jobs and got a total of 2 interviews.  That's how bad it is in academy.  So I spent a year teaching part time at various colleges in Alabama and Georgia, including one north of Atlanta, about 2 hours away.  Nothing much else happened, until Christmas 2012.  I visited my parents as usual in Houston.  Then, out of nowhere, after a couple of daily Masses, two separate elderly women asked me if I had thought about being a priest.  When the first one asked, I basically laughed and said, no, not for me.  When the second one asked, I paused for a minute and thought, actually I never have really thought about it.  Thus began what I always call "the voice that wouldn't go away."  Now actually, this wasn't the first time a little old lady had asked me.  I remember one time in Auburn meeting a Daily Mass goer at the grocery store and she asked me then, but again I simply laughed and said no.  I always tell this story in my vocation talks so that people know, sometimes it's good to ask the question, especially if no one else has asked.  (Side note: my mom had been putting it in my ear for a few years.  "You know, if you want a job, there's always one open to you."  "Yeah mom, not for me."  She will tell you, I never listen to her until someone else says the same thing.)

I began to think about it a bit more.  In the spring, I went on a "come and see" excursion to a seminary in Louisiana.  This actually was a step back.  I felt completely out of place, for a couple of reasons.  For one, it seemed like everyone else there knew they were going to be priests.  I had to room with two other guys I didn't know, and the first question they asked me was: which diocese are you applying for?  Um, sorry, I'm just here to check it out.  Second, the guys were just so young.  It was a college seminary, so it was like spending a weekend with my students.  I came back pretty sure I wasn't going to go to the seminary.

But I wasn't completely shut off.  I also attended a "thinking about the priesthood" day at the parish.  It was pretty good, with a handful of priests, seminarians, and the bishop.  The theme was fear.  Everyone has fears about applying to the seminary and being a priest.  Their goal was to talk about those fears and dispel them.  It was actually a good experience.

I talked to a number of priests I knew.  They were encouraging.  In the end, I took the advice of my pastor.  Don't rush into it.  Take a year to do what you want to do (i.e. teach) and pray about it.  Ok, I can do that.  (Another side note: this was all going on during the time of Pope Benedict's resignation and the conclave.  In fact, I was meeting with my pastor when the white smoke appeared.  I remember distinctly before the meeting we talked about the fact that a vote was going on, but that a decision probably wouldn't happen.  HA!  I ended up sticking around the parish watching the TV with a couple of other random people who were around until the announcement of Pope Francis.  It was an interesting experience.)

So I had a plan, but I had no job.  I couldn't not afford to keep doing what I was doing (part-time jobs, even four of them, don't pay much), so I was going to have to move back home and teach part time in Houston.  Of course I could only find one job there, so I was going to have to figure out something else for income.  Here's your typical PhD, working at a book store/fast food restaurant.  Then, a slight miracle happened.  Less than a month before the fall semester was to start, and about two weeks before I was to move, I got a call from a university I didn't even remember applying to.  Grand Valley State University had one last full time position (three year renewable) open.  Was I interested?  Of course!  I quickly hopped on a plane, met with them, found an apartment, and flew back to finish packing.  (This was the great trip where I lost my driver's license at airport security.  Do you know how hard it is to travel without one?  It makes getting a rental car impossible, so I had to bum a ride from the chair of the department to find an apartment.  Luckily I had a picture student ID to get on the plane.)

Thus we transition to my discernment year.  Let me start by saying that I absolutely fell in love with Grand Rapids.  This despite the 114 inches of snow we got that winter, and the two full weeks of below zero temperatures.  It's a very nice city, just the right size, with everything you need.  And it only takes twenty minutes to get anywhere.  By that I mean it literally takes twenty minutes to get somewhere, no matter how far or how close.  It's weird like that.  I also loved the university and the department.  I loved teaching.  I was finally doing exactly what I wanted to do.  I was able to work sparingly on turning my dissertation into a book, getting the publication lined up, while starting on my next research project (I'm keeping that secret, since I'd still kind of like to do it in my massive spare time.)  All things considered, I was extremely happy and had no reason to change, unless I found a tenured position.

I did not forgo my promise to spend the year discerning, however.  After a lengthy search, I finally found a good parish for me (St. John Vianney, of course).  The pastor agreed to be my spiritual director.  He encouraged me to have a weekly Holy Hour at a perpetual adoration chapel on the other side of town (that meant I had to really want to go).  I began to read Thomas Kempis' Imitation of Christ (that's a doozy, every time I picked it up, it was exactly what I needed).  For some reason, even though I loved what I was doing, that voice would not stop.  Sometime shortly after Christmas, I came to the realization, with my spiritual director, that the only way I could know would be to try it.

This was not an easy realization.  The biggest hang up for me was that it had taken three years to find a full time job, doing what I wanted to do at a good school in a nice area.  I had to "break through" the ego and realize that, even if I discerned out, something good would come from my time in the seminary.  (I didn't break my ego that much.  My rationalization was that if I discerned out, the time in the seminary would help me get a job at a Catholic college.  No joke.)

Thus, I began to look into seminary.  The problem was, since I had moved around so much, I did not really feel as though I had a "home diocese."  (For those who are not Catholic, a diocese is essentially a governing district, centered around a city, with a bishop as the head.  Sometimes they are big; the whole state of South Carolina is the Diocese of Charleston; sometimes they are small; the Archdiocese of Washington, D.C. is D.C. and some of the surrounding area.  Archdiocese is simply a "more significant" diocese in the region.)  I had most recently lived the longest in the Diocese of Mobile, but that did not appeal to me.  Since I really liked Grand Rapids, I decided to meet with the vocations director.  He was very nice, certainly willing to talk with me, but he voiced a concern from experience.  He had originally studied for another diocese, before realizing he needed to be closer to home and transferring to Grand Rapids.  He told me I needed to go home, be near family.  If that didn't work out, then he would be willing to talk. 

I took his advice, and contacted the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston, home for my parents.  Over spring break, I flew home to meet with them.  I began the application process, and had everything in relatively quickly.  I flew home another time for my official interview, and was accepted.  In the fall, I would begin seminary.  I'm kind of rushing through this, but will go into more detail about the application process and some thoughts on discernment the next time.

Discernment News!

In short: I am transferring to study for the Diocese of Madison, Wisconsin

The long version:  When I decided that I should enter the seminary to study to be a priest a few years ago, that was only one of two big decisions I had to make.  The other was for which diocese to study.  I have moved around a lot in my life, living in six different dioceses over my thirty some years.  I had not really lived in any of them long enough to really think of any of them as home.  I thought about staying in Grand Rapids, where I was teaching and a place that I had grown to love in only a year.  I thought about going to somewhere near Washington, D.C., a place where I had always wanted to live.  I decided ultimately to study for the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston, where my parents live, because I would be near family.  Since I had not lived there for ten years, and then only for six months, really it was more like twenty years, I came with the understanding that I was going to continue to discern if it truly was the right place for me.

I have to be honest, by the end of the first year I was thinking it was not right for me.  I will get into specifics later.  Over the summer I was in Omaha, Nebraska, for the Institute for Priestly Formation.  I was able to meet a number of seminarians from all over the country.  I was able to talk with them about their dioceses.  I was back in the Midwest.  In many ways, it became clear over the summer that Houston was not right for me, but I had to return to finish my second year of philosophy studies and to continue to discern.

I think I went about it the right way.  I was open with my spiritual director.  I was open with God.  I asked God to give me some clear signs.  I at least got gentle nudges.  By November I had decided that Houston definitely was not right for me, so I approached the vocations director for the diocese (essentially my boss).  I told him about my discernment, but also that I would like to continue for the rest of the academic year so I can finish the next step of my discernment: if not Houston, where?  To his great credit, he was saddened but promised to support me whatever my decision.

For a long time I was thinking about Arlington, Virginia.  I tried to make some contacts there, but each time they fell through.  I was discouraged.  I also was thinking about Madison, and a few other diocese around the country.  A few of my friends had friends or contacts in the diocese, and through them I was able to contact three priests from Madison.  It was recommended I make some contacts before approaching the vocation director of the diocese directly.  These three priests were quite different, but they had a couple of things in common.  One, they each were more than happy to talk with me.  Two, they each assured me that Madison was a fantastic diocese.  I began to warm even more to the idea.  In November, shortly before Thanksgiving, I finally contacted the vocation director.  To my surprise, he was waiting for me, and he had some rather good and pointed questions, particularly: why in the heck was I thinking about Madison?  I was open and honest, and he said he would get back with me.  A few weeks later, shortly before the end of the semester and the beginning of Christmas break, he called me and asked me if I could come up to Madison the weekend after Christmas so that I could attend their Christmas party, meet the bishop and the seminarians, and see some of the diocese.  I jumped at the chance.

The trip itself was quite eventful.  I missed my connection in Chicago on the way there and arrived a few hours late.  The return was worse: snow, very late departure from Madison, warnings that I would be stuck in Chicago for at least two days, a last second switch to an early morning flight back to Houston, and a night in O'Hare.  But in between those flights I had a great experience.  The seminarians were friendly, normal.  The priests were the same.  The bishop came right up to me and talked to me almost as soon as he walked into the dinner.  I helped serve Mass for a group of cloistered nuns.  It snowed.  I spent a day on a dairy farm.  I got a tour of the University of Wisconsin campus.  Most importantly, I felt comfortable.

Various churches in the Diocese of Madison

I came back to Houston with my mind pretty much set, but I knew I need to take some time to really think and pray about it during our week long silent retreat before the start of the semester.  I became even more comfortable with the idea.  After the retreat, I called Madison again and told them that I had made up my mind.  The vocation director was happy, and told me the next steps in the process.  He also told me he had called the rector of the seminary the day before, and that he had been surprised by supportive.

Up to this point the only people who knew were my family, my spiritual director, and a few of my closest friends whom I believed I could trust to keep it quiet.  I am proud and humbled to say that everyone kept their word.  But now the rector knew, and he promptly told the rest of the faculty.  It was public now, but at least they promised to allow me to make it fully public at my discretion.  I am thankful for them for all their support.

I went up to Madison for the Triduum to help serve the Masses for the bishop.  All the seminarians for Madison do, so I was asked to come as well.  It was a great time, but all the while I was wondering if/when I would hear.  Finally, on Holy Saturday just before practice for the Easter Vigil, the vocation director handed out summer assignments.  Before doing that, he took the time to formally welcome me to the diocese in front of all the other seminarians.  It was a great feeling, relief.  I am happy, excited, and nervous about this next great step in my life.

And lest you worry, I will not be alone.  My parents, as soon as I had said I was joining the seminary, had said they wanted to be wherever I was.  They actually had been thinking about moving away from Houston, but decided to stay when I said I would study here to be near them.  Now that I am transferring, they have decided to move to Madison as well.  My sister and her son will be joining them as well, so I will have family with me after all.

Now, to try to answer some questions people might have:

What's this about diocese?

For any non-Catholic friends, or maybe even Catholic friends who do not know, there are essentially two different types of priests: religious and diocesan (sometimes called secular).  Religious belong to orders, for instance the Jesuits, Franciscans, Dominicans, etc, and they can be sent basically anywhere the order is.  Diocesan priests belong to a particular diocese, or area.  In some cases, this might be an entire state (South Carolina).  In others, it might be a large city (New York) or a part of a state (Mobile is the southern half of Alabama).  I had been studying for the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston, which covers a large area of Texas from Galveston in the south to Navasota and Huntsville in the north.  I will be studying for the Diocese of Madison, which is the southwestern portion of Wisconsin.  While we're at it, an archdiocese is a particularly important diocese with either an archbishop or cardinal which as other "suffragen" dioceses.  So Madison is technically under the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, though it is virtually independent in every way.

Archdiocese of Galveston Houston:

Diocese of Madison

Why not Houston?

I do not want this to seem like Houston is a horrible place to live, or that the Archdiocese is bad, it simply has been an honest discernment of my compatibility with a place.  As I said before, I have not lived in Houston, outside of about six months in 2005, since we moved away in 1992.  I had to become reacquainted with the city and the diocese.  While I have loved being near family, there have been a number of indications for me that it was not the right place for me.

To begin with, I have had a general sense of uneasy in my life since moving back.  It just has not felt right.  But that is somewhat abstract and hard to articulate.  How about some concrete ideas?

Houston is simply too big for me.  I have lived the majority of my life in college towns (College Station, Denton, Auburn) and a year before the seminary in a small city (Grand Rapids).  Houston is overwhelming.  And I am not just talking about the traffic, though that does not help.

Perhaps the most important realization has been my lack of comfortability with what I call the "culture" of the city and the diocese.  This can be taken the wrong way, so I am cautious to say it, but it is a big part of my discernment.  I have struggled to find my place in the diocese.  I have been to many parishes around the diocese, and feel out of place virtually everywhere.  This has to do with a number of issues from the size of parishes to the liturgical styles to the significant Hispanic population.  Again, I hesitate to say that since people can take it the wrong way, like I am racist and against Hispanics, but that is not the case at all.  I simply do not feel like I fit in here.

I have to say that the climate has played a role in my decision as well.  Perhaps you could call it an ancillary cause.  I love the four seasons.  I especially love the fall, and even like a long winter (we had 100+ inches of snow my one winter in Grand Rapids, and I was ok with it).  Houston is basically six to eight months of brutally humid summer with a couple of weeks of fall, maybe a month of "winter," and maybe a couple of months of spring thrown in.  I felt as though I could not handle that for the rest of my life.

There were some other small reasons, but suffice it to say all of these together helped me to realize that God was making it pretty clear Houston is not right for me.

But, many people say, what about the Astros?  Three things.  First, I had to realize that there are some things more important than baseball (it pains me to admit that).  Second, remember that I have not lived in Houston for the better part of twenty years, so it's not exactly like I'm used to living in the same town as them.  Third, on a practical level, MLB.tv makes it pretty easy to follow them.  And anyways, Madison is pretty darn close to Milwaukee, Chicago, and Minneapolis.  It's not like it will be impossible for me to see them.  If they do happen to go to the World Series in the next few years, however, I might lose it.

But Madison?  Really?

Yes.

Why?

I thought and prayed about six different dioceses while discerning.  Three on the East Coast, three in the Midwest.  I was primarily looking for a dioceses that was very orthodox.  That basically cut out one of them.  As mentioned I at first was looking at Arlington.  My different attempts to make inroads were thwarted, so I started to look elsewhere.  From that point on Madison had my complete attention.

First, there is a family connection.  My mom is from Milwaukee, and much of that side of the family still lives in the area.  Milwaukee is not right for me, for a few reasons, so Madison is the most obvious choice.

I am very attracted to the Midwest.  Living in Grand Rapids, then spending the summer in Omaha made this quite apparent to me.  It's beautiful, the people are great, the weather is ideal, and there's a lot to do.

The diocese is one of the most orthodox in the country.  No diocese is perfect, I know that, but Madison is very strong.  I want to make it clear I was not "bishop hunting" as some people might think.  If it all came down to the bishop, I doubt I would have left Cardinal DiNardo.  Bishops come and go.  I was focused on the diocese.  That being said, Bishop Morlino is a great example of a shepherd who cares about his flock and cares about the liturgy.  He takes the time to talk to each of the seminarians individually.

As mentioned before, the great reaction from my contacts helped.  I kept asking God for help, and this seemed to be one of the best indications I was getting.  I do not expect a voice from the sky telling me what to do, so I had to listen to the "still, small voice."

The two trips, during which I have been able to meet the seminarians, has also greatly helped.  They are normal guys who love the Church.  They are inspiring (this should not be seen as a knock on the Galveston-Houston seminarians, they are a great group as well).

Probably the most important thing is that the more I thought about it, the more comfortable I became.  I was happy with the idea.  That's a pretty good indication.

So what's next?

I will finish the semester, my last for philosophy.  Sometime in May I will head up to Madison for good where I will serve in a parish for the summer.  It is the same parish I stayed in during Holy Week (St. Bernard's) so I am at least a little familiar with it.  After the summer, I should be starting theology at the major seminary of St. Francis de Sales in Milwaukee.  After four years, God willing, I will be ordained a priest for the Diocese of Madison.  Then, who but God knows?